


Missing

by Julielein73



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Drama, F/F, Romance, cophine - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-02
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2018-01-21 15:56:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1555928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julielein73/pseuds/Julielein73
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She's lying against you. Entangled with your body. Making it impossible for you to get up without waking her. So you lay there. Beside her. The only person who really matters to you anymore. Watching her closely. The constant rise and fall of her chest. The way the sun shines on her perfect body, as if it wants to praise Cosima to you. Like this would be neccessary. Cophine story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Anxious she waited, this was the fourth time she tried reaching her and the fourth time her call didn't get answered. Being angry at her was one thing, ignoring her something completely different. She would call the other number again, even if she hadn't more success reaching her the two times before either. The waiting made her nervous and made her mind imagine the most horrible scenarios. She couldn't wait any longer; she would call every one of them until finally someone showed her some mercy and would eventually take her calls. 

It took twelve rings until the line finally connected and she heard some muffled breathing noises on the other line, but no words were spoken to acknowledged her presence. Did she imagine those noises? Were they just wishful thinking? "Sarah?"  
A deep breath, at least there was someone on the other line. "Yeah. Who..." It took her Sarah few seconds to recognize her. "Bloody hell, Delphine is that you? Do you know how late it is?" It was obvious that her call had awoken the woman but it would've surprised her if it had been different. It was 4.07 am after all, most people would be asleep right now, normally so would she. But she couldn’t give Sarah much time to wake up completely; this whole conversation took to long already without getting the information Delphine desperately needed.

"I know how late it is Sarah, believe me." She hadn't let the clock out of her sight for hours now, desperatly waiting for some change but beside the little numbers on the display, nothing had changed in their oversized apartment.  
"Cosima hasn't come home today, I was hoping that she is with you?" Hope was an understatement, praying and begging was probably more accurate to her current state of mind. If Cosima was with Sarah than at least she would be save right now, with someone to look after her. Not knowing where she was, if she was well or just suffered from one of her coughing fits unnerved Delphine to no end. Sure, they had an argument in the lab before and Cosima left the room quite angry but that was no reason or excuse not to come home at all. Surely her girlfriend would know how worried she'd be if she wasn't at home at this late hour. She wouldn't let her suffer additional to her constant worry about the clones health.

"Why the hell should she be with me? I haven't seen her in person since she moved into DYAD with you." There was a small reproach in her tone and Delphine could understand her anger. When they moved in the apartment in the institute, it was clear that they couldn't met Sarah again, for her own safety. It was a necessary sacrifice, they all agreed that much. The institute was the best place to be for Cosima right now. Here they had equipment and the best medical care in case of emergency. Sarah hadn't liked it but agreed eventually. Not that they needed her approval anyway. Delphine would've dragged her girlfriend here herself if she hadn't agreed with her. The weeks before they came back to the institute had been harsh on her and with every coughing attack and lost breath, Delphine panicked a little more. It was for her peace of mind that they came here. Cosima agreed so that Delphine was finally able to get a proper full night rest without the fear that the woman beside her would quietly wither away when she closed her eyes. Sarah hadn't forgave her that she took Cosima away from her when Kira was still missing, her only family left now were Felix, Alison and Cosima. The British woman wanted them close to her in a deep need to take care and protect all of them. Delphine knew that Sarah wanted Cosima close, fearing to lose another member of her family. It took them a while to ease Sarah into the idea but after her last coughing fit Delphine was ready to fight Sarah over this. It was far to close to not breathing than that they could ignore this topic any longer and Sarah had to agree. "What did you do frenchie?" Sarah asked snappy, obviously fully awake now.

The same question Delphine asked herself since Cosima stormed out of the lab. They'd argued about the new treatment Leekie wanted to test on her. From all the data Delphine had to analyse, it was obvious that the serum was still dangerous and Delphine wanted to wait for a few more test results to see how it would affect Cosimas body. They needed to consider her current health status too. The last weeks had been tough on her and Delphine didn't want to stress her body more than necessary. Sadly Cosima didn't agree with her. In fact after Leekie told them about his latest test results she was more than eager to try this new serum. Of course Delphine understood that she wanted some progress when her life ebbed more and more away from her, but to use a treatment they didn't test properly couldn't be the answer they searched for. Unfortunately her lover and Leekie seemed more than willing to test it and didn’t want to hear the immunologist objections which lead to an argument between the two women. The only thing they got out of it was that Leekie left them alone for this talk, just to let him be followed by an more than pissed Cosima a few minutes later.

"I didn't...well it's complicated." She confessed. "But Sarah it's important for Cosimas health that you call me as soon as you hear from her."

"You're sure you didn't do anything? Sounds like some shit is going on between you two."

"We're fine." As fine as we could probably be considering the circumstances. Working for the enemy, not knowing who to trust, living at your workplace, seeing the person responsible for this every day, seeing a person who looks like your lover but couldn't be more different from her, seeing your lover almost drown on her own blood and you not able to find a cure or the cause for her problem. If you took all those things together than she could honestly say that they were fine.

"Yeah, whatever you say. Look, if she shows up I'll call yah but until then I'll continue sleeping." As if Sarah could sense her protest the young woman continued. "Look Cosima is old enough to look out for herself. She knows she can come to me if she needs to, she also could go to Alison and eventually she can come back to you, regardless of the shit you two have going on right now. Give her one night without being watched, without someone monitoring every move she makes." A few months ago Delphine would've been offended, fiercely fought Sarah over this. She didn't watch Cosima all the time, less of all monitor her but that was months ago. Now her whole days contented to watch Cosima, look at her, seeing how the sparkle of life slowly left her eyes, silently noticing and analysing ever short breath, sweat pearls, sudden lack of energy or mood swings as an added factor to her illness. Every time she noticed something new she was remembered that their time was slowly running out. Never in her life had Delphine felt more as a simple bystander, a real monitor, as she did those days. 

Sarah was right. Delphine knew that, one night out wouldn't kill Cosima but she worried constantly about her. It was probably something that came naturally when your lover was constantly woken up by coughing fits that ended with her much weaker and a lot of blood on a tissue or the bed sheets depending how fast she was or how surprisingly the fit came. 

There were nights when Cosima didn't sleep, Delphine knew that, even if she didn't comment it further. She could hear how her breathing didn’t slow down into a regular rhythm some nights. Cosima just lay in Delphines arms, in their bed, worrying, not speaking. Cosima thought that there was no point in discussing something they both knew, but couldn't do anything about. All of their days were determined by them working and finding the cure, why should they want to discuss this in their rare free time too? At least that was what Cosima thought. Delphine would talk non stop about it if it would get them any closer to save her lover but Cosima felt already guilty for reasons Delphine couldn't comprehend and that made her hold back.

It wasn't like she asked for this, this life, her conception, her genetic failure, her sickness, nothing was her fault but Cosima still felt responsible for Delphines wasted days, as she called them. Those were the days when everything completely turned around her. They tested her blood, observed her vitals during tests and just talked about her and her degeneration the whole time. It shouldn't be like this. No relationship should just focus on one person, it wasn't fair to her. Reasoned Cosima once and Delphine feared that she would break up with her that day, out of desperation and a need of martyrdom. Before she could even think like that again Delphine assured her that as long as she was with her everything was as perfect as it could be for her. They were working so hard now so that they could be together for a lot longer than they had in sight now. When they finally got there, she wouldn't mind if Cosima repaid her however she wanted, though. And with that Cosima just grinned at her and kissed her. She knew since then that this guilt was eating her girlfriend up inside and feared that someday she maybe found the courage to end their relationship, for Delphines sake.

It was scary how selfless Cosima was. Sometimes Delphine got the impression that she already gave up on herself and just researched for the others, so that they wouldn't need to endure the same. It scared her. It scared her so much. Cosima was strong, a fighter, to stubborn for her own good sometimes but the last weeks and days especially took that away from her. After seeing Jennifer, her genetic identical and possible future, it just got worse. Delphine couldn't accept her giving up like that. Maybe her tries to hold onto her just pushed her further away. They fought so much the last days that she feared that maybe Cosima did it on purpose so Delphine would leave her. And this rushed attempts to take an untested treatment were more like trying to take the rise out of Delphine than really believing in the cure itself.

Cosima was far to smart than to not see the dangers of the treatment. To risk her life like that just to prove her point, would she do this? Was she really that stubborn? Would she take Leekies serum just to show Delphine that she was still in control? That there was at least a little control left in her life? Of course not. She wouldn't do that. Not really. Maybe she was stubborn, scared and impulsive sometimes but beside all that she was still a very logical person. Risking her own life would be an option when she found the serum and saved the others. She made that much clear. At least she wanted to save her sisters. Who else would do that if not her?

She called her again, no one answered, again. Maybe Sarah was right. What harm could one night out do? A lot if she had a fit like last night again. Delphine had heard her get up, like almost every night now. Suppressing the urge to follow her to the bathroom, giving her the privacy she wanted and just waited in their bed for Cosima to come back. There was something like a routine at night for Delphine. Hearing her coughing, hearing her deep struggling breathes, feeling her waiting until she was in complete control again and then Cosima sneaked into the bed again and silently cursing herself while Delphine hold her in her arms, softly rubbing her back and giving Cosima the strength she needed, but last night had been different. There was coughing, much coughing actually, deep breaths, very deep and desperate but no cursing, just silence and then Delphine got up just to find her girlfriend passed out on the bathroom floor. She was still breathing, but a small bump on her forehead where she’d hit the floor slowly showed itself. It was later when they both laid in bed, entangled in each others arms, when the cursing came. Cosima cursing at herself for her bodies degeneration and Delphine softly stroking her back, not daring to argue with her, another fit was nothing they needed right now.

She was getting worse, they both knew it, they both felt it, they both stayed silent about it. If Cosima broke down again, passing out in an dark alley or in the middle of the street or a crowded club, was there anyone who would notice her and help her? Sure she would be noticed, how could anyone not notice this magnificent woman? But did she really need to tempt her fate?

Call number six, voicemail number six. "Cosima, I know you're angry, I know you're scared, I know you don't want to talk with me now but you have to come home or least go to Sarah or Alison or Leekie or wherever as long as you don't stay on your own. After what happened last night I don't think you should be alone.” Great choice of words, you idiot! “That came out wrong, you know what I mean! Cosima please! For my sake, call me! And if you just want to scream at me, call too. Dammit where are you?" End of message. She wouldn't call her back. The purpose of getting away in the first place was to stay away from her. Merde! Should she call Aldous? Let him help her searching the clone? If she did that Cosima would never forgive her.

They couldn't go on like this. They needed to talk! They needed to stay in this together! They would need to find a way to cope all of this. They needed to set rules to avoid each other from going nuts!  
A call interrupted her thoughts and as desperate as she wanted and waited for a call the same it scared her when she saw the caller ID. This wasn't Cosimas number. Her phone identified the caller at 4.27 am as Aldois Leekie and she had the feeling in her gut that she wouldn't like what he would say to her.


	2. Chapter 2

"We found her passed out on the floor in the park of the institute." He said as soon as you took the call. "Come here immediately." He hung up and you were out of the door just seconds later, not even knowing if you closed the door behind you.  
"Any explanations why she'd done this?" Aldois asked and you could only assume that he was referring to Cosimas high alcohol-rate. Why did he ask that? It wasn't like you could read her mind, even if she swore you did sometimes. Did anyone ask one of the thousands who drank themselves unconscious just for fun why they did this? No! Why make an exception with her? Was she bound to any higher standards because she was such a scientific breakthrough?

A small hypothermia and another bump on her forehead were the results of her out passing in the backyard of the complex. At least she wasn't that foolish to go too far away in her condition. The park was frequently visited by a lot of employees even at night; there was no way she wouldn't be found in case of a break down. Good to know there was still some sense left in her. If you're deadly ill and plan to drink yourself into unconscious, do it in a medical facility.

"How are her breathing results?" You ask not able to take your look from her.

"Nothing new. Maybe a little worse but that could be from the hours of staying in the cold. We don't know how long she's been there exactly. But we gave her the oxygen mask to be safe." You nod, you think, not able to look at anything else than her. She looks so different than the woman you normaly see in your bed beside you every night. It's not just the mask attached to her mouth; it's her full body posture. Fragile, weak, exhausted, pale, not in the slightest like you remembered her. How is this even possible? You only parted from her for around fourteen hours. She can't get like this in such a short amount of time.

"There was also a small amount of stimulators in her blood." A deep breath comes out of your mouth. She smoked again. She promised you not to until she got better. Can you blame her? You smoke too. Different substances but still. It does the same for you, you imagine. She hasn't gotten you baked, like she promised, so you have no real reference. It helps her relief her stress and smoking does that for you too but it's probably more intense for her than you. When you remember how much you smoked the in the last days, just to get a free head, you notice that you should be amazed it took her that long. The need for a cigarette is strong, even now but your need for her, her closeness, her pure presence is much stronger. She's the reason of your high stress level and she's the only real cure for that too. Just looking at her is more relieving to you than five packs of cigarettes could ever be. She's safe now. She's with you and you'll make sure it stays that way.

"Let her rest for now, sleep it off and I’ll examine her further tomorrow. Go back to your apartment, Delphine. I just wanted to inform you of her belonging." Aldous says and you can hear that he's annoyed with Cosimas behaviour, that she disturbed something he planned out. 

You want to yell at him, curse him for what he does to her and to you. Scream at him how he slowly destroys the woman you love by experimenting on her but you don’t. You don't dare to risk his anger, not wanting to risk your position. But you won't follow his order either. You wanted to find her for hours now, there's no way in hell you'll leave her alone now that she's back.

He stares at you, confused that you don't follow his orders immediately so he waits, as do you. After a few minutes he seemed to give up and turns to the door but you hear him turn. "You know, if I'd known that you would get attached to her so much, what she'd do to you, how much she'd change you, I would've sent another monitor." And then he left. You know what he means, how she'd changed you. 

You broke off with him the minute she kissed you, not that what you two had been was even close to a relationship but you still ended it. Both of you got what you wanted, benefited from this whatever. He didn't understand your reasons at first, thought you played a wicked game with him but when you told him the same thing in your mother tongue again to have every word you needed to explain yourself his expression froze and for a short amount of time you're scared, not so much for yourself but for her.  
Aldous Leekie doesn't like being beaten in something, to lose against someone else. Still he leaves you two alone but you imagine a satisfied grin on his lips the moment she can't hide her sickness from him any longer. Maybe he thinks that his opponent got cursed the way she deserved; that no one stands in his way and you're scared what this means for your research. Is he torpedoing things, you, her? But then again you think of his ego, how much it would inflate if he found the cure for her and was the reason she'd live, stay with you. Both of you would need to thank him and he would cherish this moment. Shining in his glory and add another stripe to his reputation. It would satisfy him that he beat you and also her and in his sick mind probably meant to show you how wrong you choose. You couldn't care less. If it helps her, if there's anything that would help her you would do a lot more to make sure she's safe. Obviously you’re the only one thinking like that.

She didn't even seem to consider her own health when she planned her little drinking orgy. It was cold at night, even if the days were very warm. This could only turn out worse. She could've went to Sarah if she wanted to get drunk or Alison. All of her genetic identical seemed to be very hard-drinker but she choose to stay here, where she' be found and without a doubt would get criticized for her behaviour. A complex creature indeed. A psychologist would say that Cosima was seeking for attention that this was a scream for help but you knew better. There was a spot in your brain that told you she didn't go because she didn't want to leave you. That there was something in her that needed you as desperate as you need her and that couldn't bear to leave you. Not when none of you knew how much time you still had together. She stayed close even when she was angry at you and you feel a sick wave of relief at this realisation flowing over you. Maybe there was hope after all.

If you concentrated hard enough you would find answers in each other. If you tried even harder you could find the answers you seek in her body. If you tried your hardest you could make her believe that everything was not lost. That there lay still so much ahead of you two together. That the two of you had a future, together. Not separated or you without her, together, as a pair. As crazy science girlfriends. Trying to make the world a better place with your researches and be a better person to be worth one another. They would. There was still time. They could make it. They had time.


	3. Chapter 3

The steady beat of the heart monitor is soothing. A regular beat every few seconds is like the sweetest music to your ears. Holding her hand while she sleeps off her previous attempt of rebellion against herself, calms you down in ways you never imagined possible. Maybe this would become your newest addiction. Cigarettes never calmed you that way, hadn't this lasting effect of bliss on you. Nothing ever gave you the same amount of bliss she did. She said to you that you'd become a craving addict and as always she proved you right. It was just the object of her addiction she'd been wrong about.

How would you manage to lose her? How would you be able to satisfy your addiction when she isn't around anymore? Could you survive the cold turkey? Would you want to survive it? You've seen pictures and videos of drug withdrawal, how mad and desperate those people got if they didn't get what their body desperately demanded. Heard the screams and pleads for one last shot. Observed how humans slowly turned into wild animals to get what their body craved for. And all you felt was pity and disgust.   
This wasn't something you could relate to. You always considered yourself as someone who didn't depend on something besides the human necessaries but only because you couldn't help it. You were careful never to depend too much on anything, people or things alike. Never wanted to lose your freedom by tying yourself to something. Those pitiable human beings had lost their will, or maybe never had it in the first place, to stay in control of their lives. It was beyond your understanding how someone could lose himself in such a short high a drug provided, and you never felt sorry for one of them. Considered their pain as a necessary evil to gain their control back.

Now you see where you'd been wrong, because now you're in the same position as them.

It wasn't a choice for you to need her as much as you do. It wasn't your intention to get involved with her as much as you are.

You had no control over the way you feel whenever she’s with you. You had no idea how this lovely grin would haunt you in your dreams, the nights after you officially met her.

Never knew how a simple 'Enchantée' could smitten you, coming from someone unfamiliar with your language. Never knew you were just as pathetic as those pitiable addicts you judged in your ignorance.

Now you know and you're afraid of what happens should she really leave you because you failed her.

\---------------

She flinched a little and you wake up from your dreamless sleep immediately. Nothing in your dreams could be better than reality right now. In reality she is still there, with you and hasn't cruelly left you alone in a world you can't imagine bearing without her anymore. You changed from a carefree butterfly back to an helpless caterpillar and you don't want to turn back anymore. Not if it means losing her in the process.

The beeping of the monitors beside her rushes a little, signalling that she's about to wake up but you didn't need them to know that. You know her. Witnessed her waking ritual for months now and it still amazes you. At first her hand twitches, like the control slowly sinks back into them, ready to do their work of talking for her whenever simple words aren't enough. Then she turns her upper body to the side, slowly to get herself in position but she’s still asleep then. Her eyes are pinched together tightly as if she refuses to wake up and wants to hold on to the last moments of sleep. When she finally opens her gorgeous brown eyes you're always there to look right back into them and cherish the smile she gives you every time. And it's the same now. You're staring in those eyes and they look right back at you, as if she can see into your soul and see your deepest secrets and desires. If it was anybody else you'd try to hide, put something up to protect you, but not with her. It's not unpleasant that she sees you in your vulnerable state because you know you're safe with her.

"Hey" you say and it's one of the dumbest things you could say right now. You must look like an idiot with that big goofy grin you muster. However, her smile shows you that it was the right thing to say. Amazing what you become around her. Never considered yourself for the lovesick type but here you are, sitting in front of the woman you'd never thought you'd met, and grinning at her as if you were a puppy searching for approval from your owner.

"Hey." She replies and you can hear that her throat must be a little dry because of her raspy voice. So you take the glass of water beside her bed and hold it to her mouth, letting her drink small slips before you take it back. She thanks you but there's no need, you want her comfortable as much for your sake as well as hers.

"How are you feeling?"

She makes a crumbled face and you know her answer before she says it. "Hangover." You can't hide the smile her reply brings to your face. It was nice to get a different answer for a question you ask her every day. Normally she just says ‘Fine’, even when you both know that she's not. You let her lie because then you also can lie to yourself about her condition.

"That was to be expected after your little adventure." You say it but there's no anger in your voice. You don't want to scold her and you aren't sure if you should address the topic at all. But you were silent for so long already. And you will be silent again. She needs her rest. A talk can wait.

Her face crumbles as she remembers and you just want to kiss her right now to take the pain away which came with the memory. "You're probably right." Admission of mistakes, that's new for her and unnerves you a little.

"Kind of a trip. The worst in a long time." The last part wasn't meant for you but that didn't make it less true. Someone as free as Cosima who lived and enjoyed every second of her life, it has to be her worst nightmare to be bound to rules. Since she admitted to her illness she was bound to hundreds of them. Some rules DYAD gave her the others her own body demanded her following.

She couldn't take long walks anymore, not like she used to. Some days even the small way from your apartment to the lab demanded an amount of rest from her and you could feel how much the whole situation took from her. How much this genetic failure takes from her, beside the strength of her body. It was mostly her mental power you were worried about. How much she lost herself already and that she’ll lose her will to fight if this goes on. If there isn’t any progress soon.

"I really hope it was worth it because they refuse to give you painkillers to avoid any conflicts with the meds you already get." You confess a little remorseful. Whatever she did to you, how much she worried you over the last hours, she doesn't deserve to be in pain. You can't help her with that though.

"Shit." She presses her hand to her head. Still clumsy from sleep she slaps herself a little and you have to laugh at her face. This seems almost normal for you. A small glimpse of normality on your hectic days. Cosima was never a morning person and whenever she needs to get up early you see her hurt herself in the morning. Like her brain refuses to function in such early hours and needs a small hit to be reminded of its purpose. The look she sends you makes you try to compose yourself but you can't. It's nice to laugh again and her grin shows you she agrees with you.

"At least you have fun, Dr. Cormier." She smiles. "In your honest medical opinion, is it really necessary to refuse me the happy pills or is it just pure Leekie cruelty to leave me alone with my pain?"

"Sadly I'm afraid it's necessary, cheriè. You know I wouldn't let you in pain if you don’t need to be." You reassure her and lay a hand on her cheeks and she immediately turns her head into it more, enjoying your contact and it gives you hope. Hope that she'll never have enough strength to leave you. At least not for the pure purpose of protecting you from her and ‘All this bullshit’.

"Still I'm pretty sure he enjoys seeing me suffer." She mumbles in your hand, her eyes still closed but you can feel how much she enjoys your thumb stroking slightly over her cheek.

"Probably." You agree. "But if it helps you, I'm pretty sure you destroyed some of his plans with your action last night." Now she opens her eyes and her mouth performs the cheeky grin you've fallen in love with and you haven't seen in weeks now. Her Cosima smile. She was obviously very pleased with herself.

"Hell yes! Makes all this shit almost bearable. No World domination for you today! Sorry old man." The way she talks about him makes you laugh. You wouldn't dare to make such fun of him. Beside everything, Aldois is still a brilliant mind and scientists and you admire him for his brilliance still. But she has your heart and you think that she senses something between him and you. Maybe notice how close you two are around each other but she never asked you, probably doesn't want to know and you respect her wish. Unfortunately her animosity against him still shows and you're worried that he will stop helping you one day, annoyed with her. When you addressed your concerns to her she just said, ‘At least I wouldn't have to see him anymore either' but you have the feeling she hold herself back a little for you, not much or maybe it's wishful thinking.

"I would drink again if I could just see his face finding me." She jokes and you freeze at the memory.

"Please don't." Your voice is weak and she sees how much you're pained by the memory of her absence. She tightens her grip on your hand and just now you remember still holding it in the first place.

"You know I wouldn't." Her voice is softer now, trying to lighten the mood again but she fails.

Do you really know? Can you really be sure about that? A few weeks ago there was no doubt about it, but now. She kind of became unimaginable, even for you. She ran away because she was afraid of herself, her future, you.

"I know you wouldn't." You start but she knows that there's more to come, hears it in your voice and you think that it’s scary how well you know each other, despite the short amount of time you had together. So you take a deep breath before you continue. 

"Not to prove something to him, no. But maybe to me, or yourself." You finally admit it but it sounds so quite that you aren't sure she heard you in the first place. But she did and her posture stiffens.

"No worries about that. I'm pretty sure Mr Hawkeye won't let me out of his sight until my final breath." Your body tenses at her mentioning of her possible death, like always. Sometimes you wish she would be more in denial of her mortality or have a little more hope and not be the scientist who sees data and facts and statistics and know that her time is running out soon. "Or you for that matter." Or you. True but still painful. You can't trust her anymore now and you won't, she knows that. It kills you, though. How can you trust her anymore? How can you ever leave her alone now?

How ironic is it that you can't trust her with her health. That you'll watch her now wherever she goes. Won't anger her in fear of triggering an impulsive reaction.

"True." Is all you say. Not specifying if you refer to him. It's not necessary because she knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and Kudos! Maybe I'll end the story here. Not sure but we'll see. Thanks for reading!


	4. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delphine takes Cosima home.

You can take her home the night after they found her. She's still a little dizzy but you assume that's the combination of alcohol and her meds. They shouldn't be mixed. Not ever. Not at this amount. Not that she seemed to care. The meds are supposed to save her life. You know they won't. They can only slow her degeneration, never cure her. That's supposed to be your job. And you're failing miserable.

The time you waited for her to come home didn't mean you weren't working. You were, constantly. If you wouldn't your mind would starting to wander. Wander to places of your possible future. Yours alone. Because based on what you know now, it doesn't seem as if she had a future herself. Not for long at least. You'll be without her if you don't find a cure soon. 

You remember how relieved you've been when you found out that there where meds to slow it down. That they would buy you more time. You were sure you would find it with this added amount of time. That was your hope back then.  
Now you also search for painkillers combinable with her medicine. You want to make her more comfortable when she coughs and you can't help but think it's a little like giving up on a real cure. Your instincts tell you to make her last days more bearable and internally you curse yourself for even thinking like that. So you stubbornly only look in the pain medication when you're waiting for the results of your other test. The one that will save her life! Only that it doesn't seem to work. Ever. The only real satisfyingly results you get are the ones for her pain level. Her saving is as far away as it was the night she told you about her sickness.

Leekie already wants to start with some experiments on her and you think that he's too eager with it. A horse in a box before its big run. He's the big expert and he isn't helping at all. Just waiting for you to step aside and let him try what he thinks is necessary. He treats Cosima like she's some kind of lab rat, just born to be pricked by him. 

A few weeks ago you had at least Cosima on your side and none of you thought that her being the first recipient of some dangerous med cocktail was something you'd ever consider. Now you're alone with your opinion and she wants to try it. Is really willing to lay her life in Leekies hands, because obviously you aren't able to cure her.

It's not like you don't trust in Leekies opinion, knowledge, experience or field of expertise. If that was the case you wouldn't have brought her here. But it's different as soon as you're running out of options. The part where you need to hold yourself back. When you need to admit that you can't do anything for her anymore. That you failed her. That your knowledge won't save her and that all the days and nights you spent researching were for nothing. Wasted, because she wasn't with you. It was just you in your lab and her staying at home, resting and waiting for you to come back to her.

She would've distracted you. One way or the other. With her coughing and your worry or her seductive smile, touches, kisses, with her whole being and you know it would be impossible to resist her. It seems foolish now. At least you would've made her happy then, she and yourself. But you've wasted it by researching something you don't seem to be able to cure. You can't help her. You're a failure as a scientist and a lover.

"Stop thinking so much." She says and just now you realize that you've been staring at her the whole time. You brought here home or at least to the apartment the institute gave you. It wasn't a real home, not what you were accustomed too but she made it home. Home was where she was. And you would turn into a homeless soon.

"Hey, don't cry." She whispers and you feel her hands on your face. Even if you think you know she has only two of them you can feel her hands all over your body. Everywhere at the same time. That's the spell she has on you. The magic of Cosima. You feel her kissing your cheek, your tears, your neck, your shoulder and again she seems to be everywhere. Feeling your desperation, your need for her contact, your need for her being with you. You can smell the rest of alcohol on her breath, taste it a little on her lips as well as the small hints of blood you seem to taste always now. For a split second you think that you shouldn't do this. That you should stop her. That she's sick and shouldn't strain herself. But at the same time you feel her hands on you. Feel the desire her touches awake in you and you can't bring yourself to stop her. You know she wants this, needs this as much as you do. You two missed the feeling of each other the last days. Fell out of your rhythm and you both yearn to get it back. You need this. You need her and you'll always give in to your needs when it comes to her.

\-----

She's lying against you. Entangled with your body. Making it impossible for you to get up without waking her. So you lay there. Beside her. The only person who really matters to you anymore. Watching her closely. The constant rise and fall of her chest. The way the sun shines on her perfect body, as if it wants to praise Cosima to you. Make her shine in all her glory. The way she instinctual avoids the sun in her sleep by crawling up to you, away from the bright light. How loosely her dreads fall over her body when she isn't taming them; they lay on her back, her face, her breasts. You wonder what she would look like without them. And then you remember that there are a few women with your lovers face and different haircuts and you shake your head on your own foolishness. She'd look like Sarah, probably. Well Sarah with glasses because she needs them and she can't stand contacts. It's what makes her different from all of them. Her dreads, her nose ring, her tattoos and glasses. Everything artificial and easy to imitate. Sarah could probably fool you if she wanted.  
The rays of the sun almost reach her eyes now and again she crawls a little higher without waking. She’s almost pressed against your face now, as if she wants you to inspect her further and so you do. And then you want to slap yourself for your ignorance. There is this small dimple on her forehead whenever she's thinking, which seems to be all the time. The little twitch she does with her nose when she knows she's right but doesn't want to make a fuss of it by gleaming with pride. The way her hands turn and talk whenever she gets excited and you remember all the days you could tell she was upset just because her hands moved slower than usual. All those small things that make her who she is. Who you love.  
You could tell them apart in a heartbeat. At least Cosima from the others. Because she is different than them. Not those artificial things make her different. They just express her on the outside to people who didn't have the pleasure of knowing her. They don't make her more different than she already is. An individual to the core.  
She snuggles further into you. Obviously pleased with your conclusion and you softly kiss her head as a silent apology, careful not to wake her.

\---

"Delphine?" She whispers softly against your ear, checking if you're awake already and before you find it in you to reply you feel her untangle herself from you. Slowly and quiet. She gets up and you're pleased when she doesn't get into the bathroom. Which means she doesn't have to cough. You stay in bed. She wants to be alone right now. Sarah said that you should give her some space. Time where she isn't monitored by you, so you leave her be. Give her some time alone. As long as she stays with you, you don't have to worry too much. At least you thought until you hear her voice again. Urgent, quiet, unsure, almost afraid, words you never connected with the woman you love.

"Dr. Leekie? Yeah Cosima here." She must be on her phone. It had to be early still maybe even night, but you don't dare to peek at the clock, because you don't want her to know you're awake. Why would she call Leekie at all?  
"No, no I didn't change my mind. I'll still want to try it." A pause. "Yesterday was then okay! I said I'm still in it!" Another pause, longer this time and you can feel your anxiety increasing. What is he saying to her? What were they talking about? Why isn't she informing you? Why does she do it in secrecy? Why is she not including you?

"Can't it be a little later?" - "Yeah actually there are a few things I still want to do before." - "No I'm not changing my mind, okay. I called you didn't I?" - "Yes, yes okay. I'll be there." She hung up and you fear her anger triggers her lungs but it doesn't seem so. You hear her exhaling a deep breath before she slowly walks back into your room. Slowly she snuggles back to you. Clinging to you and you feel her fear radiating of off her. "I love you." She whispers softly before she kisses your temple and even if it's not the first time she said it you can still feel how it captivates you. She doesn't say it often but you treasure every time she does. And you're about to say something when you hear her whisper again. "I'm sorry." And then she gets up again. Abandons you. And the fear her previous words arise in you almost prevent you from stopping her. But as soon as the heat of her body leaves you, you switch to life again and grab her by the hand to stop her.

She stops her movement, obviously shocked by your action. And just as you want to address her, asking what this was all about you see her back shaking. Slowly. Up and down. In the moment of wonder you notice the coldness of her hands, the complete opposite from what you’re accustomed too and you recognize it as fear. Cosima is scared. Deeply scared from what she's about to do and it immediately captivates you. Turns it claws around your heart and holds it in a strong grip. Preventing you from breathing properly and just lets you grip her hand tighter. Warm her ice cold fingers with your own heat and right then Cosima turns her whole body to you and you see what you've feared. Her eyes are clouded with tears, puffy and red, her cheeks already socked and her underlip slowly shivering and you remember seeing her like that before. One time. When she admitted her sickness to you. And you're about to do what you've done then but she beats you by throwing her arms around you before you even have the chance to do it yourself. She clings to you for dear life, like you did back then and it seems like your roles have been reversed. So you do the only thing you can think of right now and just hold her in your arms. Softly rock her back and forth to calm her and she even tightens her grip on you to a level where it almost hurts but you don't stop her. You gladly stand the pain if it helps her. So now you two sit on your bed, clinging onto each other and she's sobbing into your shoulder. You imagine her sobs get softer but you aren't sure if it's not just your wishful thinking. But even when she wouldn't sob you're willing to hold her as long as she wants to, as long as she allows you to. And even if you're curious what triggered her emotional outburst you won't address it until she's ready for it. But you also know that you won't let her out of this room before she tells you. You're willing to do whatever it takes to never see her like that again. Crying, scared, sad. Those were words you don't won't to associate with her, ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter more to go. Or at least that's the plan. But I had plans before but then Cophine came!^^ Hope you liked it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes your destiny calls.

Her phone rings for the fourth time since Cosima came back into your bed but she still ignores it, not willing to leave her spot in your arms. It seems to you as if she clings harder by every ring her phone makes. You imagine her taking a sip from her wine bottle every time her phone vibrated from your calls last night and you're pretty sure you're the main reason she passed out.

You both know who tries to reach her that persistent and you don't want him here. He's much to present already. Lingers over you like a haunting ghost but he doesn't give up. And if she tightens her grip more you're pretty sure she'll break your ribs. It has been hours since she talked to him and got ready to leave you, kissed you, scared you. It probably won't take much longer until he comes by himself. Your phone rings and you know it's him. Cosima made the same ringtone for him on your phone as she has. The theme from Psycho, which is 'funny and creepy but mostly funny'. As she defended her action to you and you had to agree, otherwise you would've changed it already. But right now it creeps you out more than you need. You ignore it too. Not ready to let him burst your bubble that there's just the two of you and nothing and no one else. Instead you wait for her.

You're scared of what she'll say to you. Afraid of what she is planning to do and why she didn't include you.

Her breathing settled down a little and you think she has slept on you, still exhausted from the nights event but she sniffles lightly. Inhales your scent like she did hundreds of times before.

'It helps clearing my head. You're like my personal mix of pot.' She always does it before she starts to talk. Only serious talks though. Like she doesn't want to use you for anything trivial.

"He's not going to stop, is he?" She mumbles and you shake your head, knowing she can feel it.

"Not until he's in front of our door and demands you to talk with him, no."

"Dude that's so rude. It's - " she turns her head to the clock on your night side table. "- 7am. Doesn't he need to sleep or something?"

"You called him first at a much earlier hour." You remind her and also inform her that you know about her call then. She flinches but you think you hear her say something like 'caught'.

"So you heard me then." It wasn't a question more a statement but you nod regardless.

"Well, that sucks." She snorts a little. Smiling.

Another ring. Her phone again. And she loosens her grip a little.

"Maybe he's right. I really should go. I mean, you're right. I called him first." She tries to get up but you prevent her from doing so. Holding her closer to you.

"That doesn't mean you have to go to him." You say before you kiss her temple. "What does he want from you anyway?"

"Well I asked him to help me; it would be kinda rude not to show up."

"And you take the opinions of others so highly." You tease her and she looks at you, grinning like a kid on christmas.

"Yeah, totes. They're my reason for living." She says before she lowers her head to capture your lips with hers.

"So your sudden interest to be on his good side can't wait for another night?" You ask her before you lightly plant a kiss on her shoulder, following an invisible path only you know.

You would've gone further. She would've gone much further. But it's not in your hands, not anymore. She's still all over you, won your previous fight for dominance, when she suddenly breaks your kiss, bolts away from you like you've burned her. Your confusion only last for a short moment, your brain still in the dizzy state her kisses brought you. When you want to ask her you remember. You remember it like breathing and it clears your head immediately.

She runs to the bathroom, not locking the door behind her, like she promised you, so you can follow her. And you hear the deep rattling coughs which always serve to tear you apart on the inside. Memories from the last time you went after her appear before your eyes. How she lay still on the floor, almost not breathing and a puddle of her own blood beside her head. You shake your head to get the image forcefully out of your head. But you still can't forget it and it scares you enough to follow her immediately, even if you know she prefers privacy right now. Not willing to let you see her in this vulnerable state but you follow her regardless. You can take care of her hurt pride or her anger later. She needs you now even when she denies it. Maybe in reality she doesn't, but you do. You need to be with her now. For your sake. For your own peace of mind. So you take a deep breath and get into the bathroom.

She sits on the floor her back on the tube, still coughing into one of the towels you just refreshed yesterday. For a short moment you wonder why she chooses to sit there and not on the toilet but then you notice how she positioned herself. Cornered from the tub and the wall. As much stability around her as possible. She must have lost her balance yesterday caused by the lack of oxygen during the fit.

You slowly approach her. Hoping not to disturb her with your appearance. But you can't just stand by and watch her. There's not much more you can do either. The only thing you're able to do is offer some comfort if that's even possible during such a violent act from your body against you. But at least she feels she's not alone now. So you kneel beside her and stroke her knee as an act of comfort. Regardless how silly it might be, you need to be near her now because you can't bear the thought of her being alone. Not now or ever. She leans forward, a little and you lightly touch her back. Rubbing over the place where her lungs are placed underneath, which fail her now. She allows your touch. Not getting back into a straight position on the wall and you find a little comfort in this fact. That she seems to get a little calmer from your touch but it doesn't help much to stop your heart from racing or her to stop coughing.

The fit is over after a few minutes, at least the clock says it were just minutes, for you it felt like hours. She inhales fast now and you can hear the light whistle sound her lungs does and you want to turn it it doesn't happen, that you don't hear it. Lungs aren't supposed to make that sound and if they do it's a sign that something is seriously wrong with them. Of course you know how much is wrong with her lungs; you've seen her x-ray scan just yesterday. They are flooded with blood which doesn't belong there. Blood which takes the place from the air that supposed to be in them. The whistling sound is almost like a help scream from the air, begging you to take the blood away. In a weird conflicted way it's silently Cosima begging you to help her breath. Pleading you to stop her from drowning in her own blood and you know you can't. All those small things are the ones to prevent you from denial any longer.

"You wanna try his new treatment, right? That's the reason you called him." You ask her when her breathing settled down and she's leaning against you with her head on your shoulder. Her body stiffens shortly but then she nodes. You feel the fear gripping on you. Clawing its way into your insides. Not that it really left you, not since she told you.

"I have to. We both know I don't have much time left Delphine. Yesterday scared the shit out of me." She confesses and it scared you too. When you remember how fragile she looked on the floor. Ash pale beside the blood puddle which seemed to be darker and more intense than usually. There was a moment where you were sure she was dead. For some seconds she didn't breath or maybe you haven't noticed in your panic, but you were sure you'd lost her. Cursed yourself for not following her to the bathroom sooner. Letting her die alone when you were just a room away. She was scared of dying alone she said. Not having anyone beside her when it's her time. Of course she addressed the topic. She's too pragmatic to just ignore the facts.

You've seen Jennifers videos together, all of them. The last one showed her passing away. Known by her or not. Greg, the amazing boyfriend, the spy, the monitor didn't turn it off after her last entry, on purpose or by accident you don't know. Maybe DYAD wanted to document as much as possible and told him to leave it on or maybe he really was in shock. Depressed that his girlfriend was dying and he couldn't do anything to help her. Just turn on and off a camera to memorize her last words. You want to go with your second idea because anything else would be cruel. Filming a person in his last hours to get information. Someone who was monitored her whole life, not even be free from them in this more than personal time. But you don't know and you don't want it either because you have a feeling you wouldn't like the answer. So you watch her die. See how her coughing fits get more frequently, more violent, more exhausting and how Jennifer gets weaker and struggles for air after every fit. Until suddenly she doesn't struggle anymore. Doesn't try desperately to press some oxygen into her lungs because she can't. She's dead. The woman with the face of your lover with the same illness as her, died. Losing the fight against the same thing you try to battle for months now, for almost the same amount of time she did. And she lost. The scientists weren't able to save her as you don't seem to be either.

Cosima was quiet the whole time. Just pressed against your side and you fear where her mind wanders to, the same place as yours. That this is her future. Your future. Because Greg, her monitor, is there too, refusing to leave her alone for a second. But when he does for just a few minutes to go to the bathroom, she dies. Alone. Without him. All his time spent with her fades away as he isn't there in the minute where it counts. His failure banned on film for eternity as well as his devastation as soon as he realizes his mistake. His cries, screams and pleads for her to come back haunt you in your dreams at night. Just that you're the one crying, screaming and pleading for Cosima to come back to you.

The autopsy was just one more way to wreck you. It was supposed to give you the answers but all you got were more questions. You also let Cosima help you, which was cruel from you. You should've stopped her. But you also wanted her there, needed her there. The current reassurance that it wasn't her on the table. That the person you rip open isn't the one you doing it all for. But since then she's a little quieter than usual. It feels like she's lost a part of herself during those hours. Maybe the last bit of naivety that she would be okay in a few days.

"I..." you stop, not sure what you wanted to say in the first place. That you approve her decision? That you're against it? What have you to say in the matter? Nothing really. It's her biology and her decision. She made that clear and she is right. If she really wants to follow Leekies path then the only thing left for you to do is standing beside her. Staying with her every step of the way. Wherever it leads her.

"You don't want me to do it, I know but I think I'm running out of time to wait for further testing." On Instinctive you want to protest, that you still have time. It's a common habit to answer like that whenever the topic approaches but you stop yourself, knowing she's right. "When I passed out in the bathroom all I could think about was that this was it. That these were my final moments and that I was too much of a coward to let it end in a different way. Leekie maybe has uncovered something and he came to me weeks ago already. Saying that they're running test but the chances are high I won't be able to witness the outcome." She stops herself and you fear that she needs to cough again, that she needs to endure it again after just a short time of regenerating. But then you notice her tremble and you immediately pull her closer to you. Holding her in a tight grip, you wish would protect her against the world or prevent her from falling apart because you know what's about to come, "I don't want to die Delphine." Is everything she chokes out before her tears overtake her. Her sobs shudder from her body to yours and at first you think that it's her heavy shudders which makes you tremble but when your sight starts to blur you realize that you're shaking too, crying along with her. Crying for what you've lost, for what you may never get, for what's about to come, for each other, for your future, your past, your present, for hope.

"I promise you Cosima, we'll do whatever it takes to cure you." You whisper in her ear, not daring to speak louder afraid it would break her if you do. You don't dare to promise her to cure her. Because you can't. She knows that and you know it too. As much as it pains you, it's still true. Words mean nothing to her anyway. Show don't tell. Empty promises aren't soothing to her like they would for most people. She's far too logical for that and it's one of the reasons you love her. She knows exactly in which danger she is and how bad her chances are. Lying will only make it worse.

She loosens her grip around your neck a little to look you in the eyes and you can see her lip trembling. "Will you come with me?" She asks and you rub her cheek with your thumb, whipping the tears away which are replaced with new lines immediately. You lift her chin a little; force her to look into your eyes again after she dropped her head, ashamed of her plea.

"I'll stay with you every step of the way Cosima. Whatever you decide I'll be there, you hear me? I won't let you do this alone." You reassure her and hope that your voice sounds as confident as you imagine and not as trembling from your own fears.

"Thank you." She says before she leans her forehead against yours. And you know it is inevitable now when her phone rings again. "Destiny is calling." She jokes but makes no move to answer it. So you do. You'll be the strong one for once.

"Aldous. We're on our way."


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

It's been fourteen hours.

Fourteen damn hours!

In other words, 50400 seconds and every single one felt like eternity, until they ultimately paired up to a whole minute.

Sixty seconds which grouped up together 840 times, to laugh at your misery.

840 minutes since Cosima fell into a comatose shock and you don't know if she'll ever recover from it. Leekie said that it is normal. That it was her bodys way to react to the treatment. It reduced every unnecessary energy loss, which unfortunately includes her consciousness. The cells have to adjust to the treatment and need all energy possible to cure her. That's what he says. That's the bullshit he's trying to sell you!

You're an immunologist yourself. You know how a body handles new cells and treatments and this is not the way it's supposed to be! Fever, energy loss, sweat, weakness, dizziness all that you expected but a coma was highly unlikely. Maybe Cosima passing out a few times would be acceptable but this...this was a coma for Christ sake! The only thing which could make this any worse was an allergic shock but you think that he at least could prevent that. With all the options he had that was the least he could do. He studied her for her whole life, probably even before. Maybe he even was the one in charge for the conception and the implanting. Preventing an allergic reaction shouldn't be something he should be proud of right now.

He dedicated his whole life to this project, to the clones, to the evolution of humanity and all you see before your eyes is how he failed. How his attempts fail on the woman you love. The woman you would do anything to protect and you failed her too. Failed to protect her from his sick ambitions.

\-----

You were with her when he rammed the syringe with his so called cure into her arm. You held her hand during the procedure, trying to calm her nerves and stop her from trembling as best as you could. You concentrated all your energy not to shake yourself, keeping your own fears at bay at all cost. It was enough when you saw her fear, there was no need she had to see yours. One of you had to stay strong. When he injected the substance she pressed your hand even harder, like she really could feel it, those seconds which would decide over her life now. If it would end soon or if she had one at all. You hated it. She hated it. And none of you could do anything about it.

You talked about it before, when you waited for him in the lab. He made you wait intentionally. Reminding you who was in charge now. That he won this sick power play and that, if you worked against his rules and didn't follow his plans properly, then you would be put back into your place.

Maybe those were your last hours together and you both were painfully aware of it. You sat beside her, on the couch, searching her hand and holding it in a strong grip, hearing her slow breaths when she placed her head onto your shoulder and slowly sank down onto your lap. She looked at your joined hands, pressed them together, played with your fingers, made small gestures with them but never let them lose contact completely.

"Don't let me go." She whispers, after she kissed your knuckles and you wanted to reply something profound. Telling her that there's no way anyone could part you from her, that you would stay by her side and that she didn't need to be scared, that you would protect her at all costs but all you say is:

"Never." And you can feel that she gets the meaning behind your words as you bent down to kiss her lips. Tasting her one last time, letting her taste you in return. Reminding her and yourself that all of this was worth it. That what you two have was worth fighting for. That you two were worth fighting for. Begging her not to give up in the only way you know.

Then he came back. Destroying your little bubble with his gloves and the syringe filled with a clear substance which contains all your hopes. You don't dare to think of what could happen. What if Leekie made a mistake in his research or maybe he wants to sabotage you or something unforeseen happens. You had no control anymore. You both gave the last bit you had over to him. You need to trust in his obsession for allowance that it will prevent him from following the easy path and let her die. That his craving for recognition would win over his hurt pride, as you choose her over him.

Now you hate yourself for being so blind and naive.

Shortly after her injection she started to fever like you all expected, then she got rapidly weaker, also nothing surprising, then she began to cough. Heavy, deep and violent. Nothing like any of you ever witnessed. In her weakened state it shook her even more, her and you. You still hear her deep breaths, how she tried to force some oxygen back into her lungs and immediately you have to think of Jennifers last moments. The sounds awfully alike. The oxygen mask you press over her mouth seems to make it easier for her and stop her from drowning. At least until another fit comes and you have to take the mask away so she can get the blood out of her lungs.

It was a vicious cycle. As soon as the hacking sound stopped you handed her the oxygen mask and she started to cough again, like the oxygen triggered another fit. Her illness seemed really trying to end her this time but you refuse to let it win. Fighting with everything you have. But you lose. She gets weaker after every fit and soon a clump of blood is clogging her trachea, preventing her from breathing at all. You react on instinct. Get behind her and slap forcefully against her back, where her lungs are placed, two times. Then you hug her from behind and press as strong as you can against her abdomen to get the blood clot out of her. The Heimlich maneuver. And you see it works when a small red mass flows out of her mouth and her breathing sounds return. She can't take more of it. You see it. You hear it. You feel it. She needs to rest and her body needs time to regenerate. So you ask her if you should give her something to relax, help her sleep a little but he stops you.

It's not compatible with his treatment. Any form of drug would also affect the new cells and would stop them from integrating. You curse him. He had enough time to figure something out. Find something for this scenario. He said he tested it already; this progress can't be new to him. But it is. You can see it in his face. It's nothing he expected. What the hell did he test, with who and why does he even think it would help her? Whatever he gave her seemed to worsen her symptoms and not cure her. If he didn't put that substance in her you still would've time together, regardless if she survived or not you still would have more days but his 'cure' ripped you from that, from a few good moments. You want to scream at him but she starts to cough again and has your full attention instantly. Watching her is hard, harder than you imagined but you stay strong for her, try to sooth her, but you can't. And suddenly she isn't struggling anymore for breath.

She's still and you go wild. You press the red button to call a medical team into the room and Leekie charges the defibrillator as you try to bring her heart back to life the conventional way. You start with chest compression followed by two breaths, chest compression, breathing again. CPR one-oh-one. But it doesn't help. She's still completely still. The defibrillator is fully charged and he helps you undressing her. He takes a scissor and rips her shirt open, destroying the small flowers printed on it, tearing them in two and you can't help but think it's an analogy. Her green shirt resembles you, yourself, your whole being, the flowers stand for your hope, your love, your life, every single one of them represents something you love about her and he's tearing it apart. Uses that big metallic instrument and ripping everything into two. Ripping you into two.

When he's done you can see her bare skin again. The small beauty spots that you always pictured as a small feather when you softly touched them, connecting them together by the motion of your finger and she always giggled because she couldn't stand your touch at her skin. To sensible was the spot where the imaginary feather ended, just a few inches under her navel. When you touched her there, even casual, you always got a reaction. She was sensitive there and so were you. You both made it a habit to tease each other and you even used your experience from your own body to use it on her, testing if you got the same reaction from her and you did. She reacted like you hoped, wished and did yourself, to your light touches. It was perfect. She was perfect. And you were going to lose her.

He calls your name roughly, calling you back and it's not even near to the way she says it and you take the paddles out of his hands and press them to her body, trying to shock her body back to life. You press, she shakes, no change, you charge again, shock, charge, shock until she's finally breathing again. Lightly, not enough to get all the oxygen her body needs but her heart beats again and the rest you can provide for her. Getting the oxygen mask onto her mouth, this time she doesn't cough.

She's not awake and you think that's good, reducing her suffering a little. The medical team rushes her to the intensive care room where they treated Jennifer and you ask yourself why you didn't start the treatment here in the first place. Here, where it was at least a little bit safer to try something no one knew the outcome of, with all the medical equipment around. But when she's connected to the heart monitor and the breathing machine you know why and you're thankful he didn't.

The resemblance is just too big. The only thing preventing you from believing that you're seeing one of Jennifers videos in front of you are her dreads and her nose ring. The moment you'd seen her in this room you would've dragged her forcefully out of it. Your memory would make you act on instinct, overwriting your logic. You would've taken her by the hand and run away with her, away from here, from him, from this place of death and you wouldn't stop running until you were sure it was safe.

This isn't going to end well. You feel it. Such a big resemblances couldn't be a coincidence. Jennifer had the hope Leekie would cure her, she trusted him, he tested on her, he failed, she died. Leekie was wrong before, maybe he was wrong again. You let him test on her beside your better judgement. Because you were running out of time and options but the circle seems to repeat itself now. And you couldn't see a way to break it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it.


	7. Chapter 7

You were right. It only got worse. She only got worse and you with her.

Leekie said he doesn't know why the cure is not working, why the cells don't integrate like they were supposed to. He's lying. You know it. It's impossible that he doesn't know what's going on. He tested on her countless times, took samples and observed her from the moment she didn't wake up anymore.

Since she fell into the coma.

Three weeks ago.

Yesterday he announced that he wants to do a surgery on her, taking samples from the masses in her uterus, maybe doing more if he thinks it's necessary. He says this like it wasn't something big, nothing major that could kill her even sooner.

It's probably the way he said it to you that makes your blood boil: Obvious, like she belongs to him, like she's not a human being desperately fighting for her life. Not like this is the woman you love and who dies right in front of your eyes because of him. So you snapped, telling him to get out of the room and don't dare to come back. He's done enough already. He's the reason Cosima is like this. Bedridden, not able to open her eyes anymore, grinning and smiling at you like you're the sun of her world. Motionless, dumb and slowly withering away from you, out of your reach. She already flat lined four times this week but you always brought her back in time before you needed to fear any lasting damage for her brain, but she gets worse and weakens faster than you can find a solution for her.

You were working 24/7 for it. Doing anything, calling anyone who maybe able to help you. Aldous gave you samples of his cure, he says he just wants to help and you take them, believing him or not. you looked into her blood samples from before the treatment and after, hoping you could correct his mistakes. But he also tried to make a pass at you when you had a break down, after Cosimas left lung collapsed and you had to connect her to the breathing machine full time. You slapped him when you felt his hands on your back and feeling his breath on your neck as he tried to kiss you. You mustered all your energy you'd left for this. He apologized immediately, telling you his own fears overwhelmed him, bullshit! You screamed at him that this will never happen again. Not between you two and not when Cosima was still with you. He wasn't pleased but left you alone again. You never cursed so much before. Cosima influences you even now. Maybe more than before. As if you tried to fill the void she created.

Sarah called you. Accepting your plead to examine her. It seems that the infiltrate sequence pulled into their DNA made them sick so you need to examine someone who wasn't affected. She also would give you a blood sample from kira and a few other things you asked her for. Nobody could get close to the little girl since Sarah got her back and you could understand her need to protect her daughter. Still Sarah would come to you so you could examine her. Of course nobody at DYAD knew that. You couldn't risk that, for Sarahs sake. That's the reason you asked permission to examine Alison. As a cure attempt and sickness free, genetic identical you could check on. Leekie shared your opinion and called Alison to come in. They would take her to the institute but it would be Sarah waiting at Alisons home. The plan was perfect. They'd meet at the bathroom in the mall and change their appearance into the other, just in case somebody followed Alison. Her husband was on a business trip and her children stayed with friends. Sarah would bring a blood sample from Alison for the records and you could examine her without getting caught.

She would be there in a few minutes. You still aren't sure if you should do it here, in Cosimas room with her lying in bed, connected to all those machines but you also don't dare to leave her. Not now. Not when she's so close to.... . Sarah would understand.

It was just shocking, seeing her like this on all thosemachines keeping her alive.

Jennifers fate was repeating itself before your eyes. She looked more similar to her every day. But you're determined to change her outcome. You had to.

 

\----

Sarah was shocked to see Cosima like this, you could tell from the look in her eyes that she wanted to ask you about it, bombarding you with questions but she didn't dare. Not wanting to rip open wounds who barley closed and you were thankful for it. You probably would lose all your professionalism as soon as you start talking about her. So you two are there in silence. You only addressing her when necessary and Sarah does the same. The only sound was the monotone sound of Cosimas heart monitor, a steady rhythm and the only thing preventing you from screaming right now.

For the last test you have to give Sarah a small sedative and you wait now until the effects are over before you can send her home and do your tests. You won't bring her in danger by sending her home now. When she slips of her role as Alison she'll be captured by security in seconds just because she wanted to help her sister.

"How's Kira?"

"She's fine. The last weeks have been hard on her but she's smart. She'll get through this."

You nod. There's nothing left for you to say. No topic you could address which interested Sarah too. Just one and you prevent it for obvious reasons.

"How are you frenchie?"

"Fine." Is everything you say. hoping she won't force it more but it's Sarah and you know that she will never let it go.

"Okay, we'll try this again. How are you Delphine? This time without a lie, please." You smile a little, she caught you, of course. You're a terrible liar. But you also lose a little of the composure you tried to hold. The time to let it go will come but not right now, you can't allow it. But even this simple crack in your surface startles you and maybe it's the fear of what you could unleash that makes your voice snappier than Sarah deserves.

"What do you want me to say Sarah? That I’m delighted? Devastated that the woman I love is dying in front of my eyes? That it's my fault because I didn't stop her from falling into his trap or not researching harder to find a cure myself? What would be the acceptable answer for you?"

"Well, the honest one would be nice."

"Then take the devastated one." you snap. Why does she have worry about you too? 

"She'll be fine." Sarah says when she notice you watching her genetic identical.

"I hope so. She has to." I don't know who I am anymore without her.

"She called me the night you called me. Before she started to drink." you're suprised and you can't hid it very well from her. You suspected her to turn to Sarah in the first place so why are you shocked that you're right now?

"She said that she'll try something new which is very likely to fall but which is her only option." She planed it, of course she planed it. Sarah just confirms what you suspected all along. Cosima wanted to anger you so you would stay away from her, maybe even leaving her. Why can't she see that you'll never leave her? And in this state of her illness she'd need to hold you away by force, which she did in a way. Now she's as far away as ever. Out of your reach and protection. You can't imagine what it would've been like if you found out later.  If Leekie called you to tell you she was in a coma when you were working at home, waiting desperatly for her to come back. Your gratefull she didn't do that to you and that she changed her mind, probably even got scared of being alone then. She told Sarah that her chances were low in the first place, she knew. But you knew it too and didn't stop her either. There was this little bit of hope, this small chance that it would work and actually cure her, which other options did she really have?

"In case she's not gonna make it, I should take care of you. Make sure you're not doing anything rush." Sarah's not saying it directly but you know what she means because you can't say you haven't thought about it before. What will you do if Cosima would really leave you. Follow her? Then you think of all the broken teenagers and articles which say that killed themself because their loved one left them. You never could understand it. Always thought that the lost love must be the drop to finally decide it but not the main reason. After her last crash you found your mind wandering to easy ways to end it, briefly, but you were horrified to notice they were even there. Would those thoughts get stronger and more persistant? You weren't as strong as you always thought you were or maybe she just made you weaker. No, not weaker. Cosima just took your strength to different levels. Made you value different things in life. Stars. People, butterflies, animals, the smell of coffee in the morning, the taste of fresh croissants and marmalade when she brought it to your bed. The belles of Notre Dame, which used to wake you in your past. All those little things you took for granted and learning to treasure just now. You were sure there were thousands of things you could learn from her, but not like this. Not with her being like this and her slowly leaving you.

"She really thinks I'm not capable of anything, doesn't she?" You whisper and you notice a small tear running down your cheek, not carrying if Sarah could see it or not, she's already seen you at your worst or at least not far from it. Hiding would be pointless now. But she ignores it or at least doesn't comment it further, instead she snorts lightly.

"I think she knows you're capable of anything frenchie. That’s the reason she called me to stop you." She gets up from the table, testing herself as well as you do. No disorientation, no obvious dizziness, no lost feelings in any body parts, she's ready to go and you can finally work again. She approaches you one last time, taking your hand, hesitantly before she pulls you into a fiercely hug. "I know you can do it Delphine. Don't give up on yourself, or on her. She's too bloody stubborn to give up and let DYAD win. She doesn't want to leave you so you'll have to fight for her, yeah. I know you can do this." And as fast as the hug came it was gone and Sarah left your lab without another word. Leaving you speechless with her honesty.

But you know she's right, Cosima is fighting this, for her sisters, you and herself, for your future together and she'll continue her fight until you'll find something. And if it just for seeing Leekies face when he noticed you did something he could not, she'd love that. So you start your work again and for the first time in weeks you finally feel a glimpse of hope in you.


	8. Chapter 8

_The darkest spot is under the lighthouse_

Ethan was a brilliant scientist. Manipulating a specific genome in such early stages of genetic research, far less equipped than you are, now. Fascinating and very impressive from the scientific side. From the professional point you admire him and his work. How precise the changes were made. The stability the genes and whole organism still had after the original code was changed. All those woman whom came to life thanks to him.

You have to thank him for the existence of the woman you love. Without him, she wouldn't be there. Couldn't exist. If he did just one little detail differently, made a single mistake or a simple change, she wouldn't be here right now. Not as the woman you know. An amazing work for the time. And you'll always be in his depths.

But the human part in you is angry. How could he jeopardize the life of so many people with so much ignorance? What did they know about genes and biology at the end of the 70? Not enough to have the confidence to create human beings, not in your eyes. Most of all, they dared to change a whole genetic concept as they’re pleased.

Sure it was responsible to sterilize the clones. Nobody knew what an offspring of a clone would be like. How the DNA would react. What this child would inherit and if it would even survive. But from a human point it was nothing more than barbaric. Humans had a need and want to get children and to deny them that right by birth and even before was inhuman. Not wanting a child was one thing, not being able to and denied of every chance by your maker was cruel. And it was even worse when the creator made such a terrible mistake which slowly began to take their life away. They were responsible to bring them into this world and also for taking them out of it…

You decoded Cosimas DNA. Know every genome and base pairs and it's exact function by now. Sarah brought you notes she got from Duncan himself. You have everything you need now. A plan how the DNA should be; in Alisons samples. How it could mutate by Cosimas results and how the perfect DNA would be like. Perfect in case of Sarah. Ironic that in your eyes the perfect case was the failure in Duncan's eyes. For whatever reasons she wasn't infertile by design as all the others. Maybe because her cell core parted two times. Two embryos. Maybe nature outsmarted the brilliant scientists by simply changing one little factor. But the important part is, you found the mistake, found the reason her own body tries to kill her. Which means you can save her.

Aldous’' research was almost correct but he'd made a mistake. Overwrote the part of her DNA which still fought the illness, her last defense destroyed by the cure. There's this small part inside of you which screams that it's not a mistake, that it would be too much of a coincidence but you try to mute it. You don't let him near her anymore anyway so mistake or not, he won't get a chance for anything at all.

The pure liquid in your syringe contains the weeks of your research, all your hopes, all your dreams and your whole future. Everything is ready for you to try it out but you're scared. What if you also made a mistake? Both impossible but highly unlikely, you proofed it thousands of times. Every single result you checked over and over again, it's not possible that you've made a mistake. The longer you sit here, doing nothing the higher the chance are that Cosima seizures again. You can't risk that. Her body needs to be as rested as possible. So you take all your nerves together before you press the syringe in her IV. You try to be gentle even if you know that she can't feel it. But you just can't not be gentle with her.

"Je t'aime." You whisper before you finally press the liquid into her vein. Hoping that she hears you somehow.

There's no immediate change on the monitors and you don't expect it either. It's different than Leekies cure. It will slowly get into her organism. Integrate and fix the junk DNA. All you can do now is wait. Wait and hope.

You held her hand again, like you did for weeks now. You kiss her knuckles again and you can't wait to feel her lips on yours again. Feel how she responses to your kiss, how she whimpers under your touches again. Soon you whisper to yourself. Soon you'll be able to feel that again. Feel her again. She's strong and she wouldn't leave you. She fights this for weeks now and she'll win, with your help. She can survive it. This time is just a short period in your long upcoming life together.

She promised you that, when she woke up from her fever dazed dreams, weeks ago. Wouldn't dare to die without seeing the shocked faces of your parents at the news of her newly lesbified daughter. When you just think of your maman, you understand why she thinks it would be priceless. You've booked the flights already in an streak of optimism and faith. She'll visit France with you in a few weeks. Walk with you down the Seine; visit the Eifel tower and the Muséum national d’histoire naturelle. A Darwinist like her would love it there. You spent half of your childhood there as your father is working there.

In a few weeks all of this will be nothing more than a bad memory. You'll wake up with her in your arms, woken by the sun of Paris and the smell of the bakery down the street from your parents’ house. Just a few more weeks and all your dreams would come true. You could wait that long. She was more than worth it. A few weeks more.


End file.
